Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Man pleads no contest to cattle relations.

Scheisse!

Remember that South Park bit about how fucked up German people are?

It's true!

A reasoned approach to terrorism

Maybe what we need is just some good old-fashioned common sense.

Slightly inappropriate for network news

CBS News guy John Roberts termed the Alito nomination "sloppy seconds" in a White House briefing.

You should have heard the follow-up question: "How did it feel when conservatives did a big Cleveland Steamer right on Harriet Miers' chest, and then gave her a Dirty Sanchez?"

The nanny state

Ruining everybody's fun once again.

Valerie Plame is a hot piece of ass

I wonder if she ever "took one for the team" back in her days as a spy.

Presidential service

I never thought I'd say this, but Monica Lewinsky is looking pretty good by comparison.

The real question about Miers

Everyone's asking very weighty questions about Harriet Miers. What's her judicial philosophy? What does she think of Roe v. Wade? Where does she stand on affirmative action? Why is she such an embarassingly bad writer?

What I want to know, though, is:

Does she drink from the furry cup? Does she eat from the bushy bowl?

At least the money is going to good use

Evacuees binge on Cape: Spend fed cash on booze, strippers.

Blame the victim

A man rapes a camel.

What's the Islamic answer to this love that dare not speak its name? Kill the camel.

Not that Christianity or Judaism are any better:

And if a man lie with a beast, he shall surely be put to death: and ye shall slay the beast. (Leviticus 20:15)

A little song I wrote for you

The Dildo Connection

Why are there so many songs about dildos
and what they feel like inside?
Dildos can bruise ya, and cause bad contusions,
and dildos contain polyamide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the dildo connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

A little song I wrote

Lines, lines, everywhere there's lines
Chop 'em with a razor
Or Mastercard is fine
You snort this, I'll snort that
Can't you see the lines?

Fascist pigs

I like PoliPundit (especially Lorie Byrd), but it pisses me off when DJ Drummond goes all right-wing drug warrior.

Ouch!

Man dies after being sodomized by horse.

Jacko Exclusive!

Exclusive, that is, other than Huffington's Toast:

McAuley Culkin cites reason for drug addiction.

Mmmmm.... lesbian porn

... from the San Francisco 49ers!

An idea whose time has come

Knife control in England.

More from Huffington's Toast

You gotta love the Hunter S. Thompon / Facundo Rivera storyline.

Laughing out loud

...at this Tom Cruise post at Huffington's Toast.

Tonight, on Britain's Funniest Home Videos

Oh, how I hope the camera was rolling.

HT: Drudge.

Some guys have all the luck

President Bush will have dinner with a porn star.

It's just too bad he doesn't do coke any more. I wouldn't mind snorting a couple lines off her ass!

Drunks Against Mad Mothers

The Rude Pundit says real liberals should drive home drunk.

The private lives of TV stars

Why Pat O'Brien loves Sesame Street.

I hope this is true

The Newshounds show a transcript of an anti-abortion activist on the Alan Colmes show admitting that he screwed a mule.

I really hope this is true. But the Newshounds have been caught lying about quotes on Fox hundreds of times. In fact, Johnny Dollar has made a whole career out of correcting Newshounds' errors and lies.

I'll assume from Johnny Dollar's silence on the issue that the story is correct. Even better, the guy's name is Horsley!

That said, though, Colmes is stealing a page from Howard Stern. Stern has some great interviews with a KKK guy called Daniel Carver. The interviews are hilarious because Carver is both dumb and shockingly racist. Colmes is trying to smear anti-abortion activists by highlighting the odd mule-fucker among them. But that's not any more fair than it would be to smear distinguished KKK leaders like Robert Byrd by associating them with Daniel Carver.

UPDATE: It's legit! Colmes has audio archives to prove it. The guy admitted to screwing mules on a national radio program.

I gotta move to Canada!

Canada is giving away free crack pipes!

Now, that's a frozen socialist wasteland I could live with!

HT: Alarming News.

Off-topic, but funny

Sorry, this doesn't deal with God, guns, drugs, or pornography, but it's still really funny.

Rocky

(safe for work, better with sound on)

Happy Slapping

Clayton Cramer comments on a new UK problem: "happy slapping," whereby teenagers assault people for fun and capture the video on camera phones.

In this Guardian article, a victim explains the experience:

Earlier this month James Silver, 34, a freelance journalist, was attacked while jogging on the South Bank in London. While one youth blocked his path, another hit him with a rolled-up magazine.

When he spun around another teenager - who had been hiding behind nearby scaffolding - leapt out and hit him hard in the head. When he staggered to his feet he noticed the rest of the gang were jeering and pointing their mobile phones at him.

Silver admits that while the attack left his "ego smarting" he did not think it worth reporting. "At the end of the day I was unharmed but it was pretty shocking at the time," he said. "The worry is that while the bulk of the attacks are trivial, some of these youths could be carrying knives."

Cramer doesn't make the obvious connection to the 2nd Amendment issue, though. Imagine if Silver had been carrying. When the teenager punches him in the head, Silver pulls out a 9mm and shoots the kid in the face. His little friends all capture it on video. Now that would be hilarious.

Come to think of it, maybe concealed carry laws are why "happy slapping" hasn't caught on in the U.S.!

Jack-booted thugs attack church

The Supreme Court is going to hear a case on using psychedelic drugs in religious ceremonies. The appeals court rightly ruled in favor of the church, and the Supremes should have thrown the Bush administration's appeal in the crapper. Instead, they are going to hear the case, and they ought to rule decisively on the side of freedom.

The church should win this case, of course. It's about the right to control one's own consciousness. What's more fundamental than that? How can anyone possibly argue that there is a constitutional right to rip apart a baby in your womb, but not a constitutional right to do as you please with your own mind? Asshats!

More information about hoasca (ayahuasca) is here. I took ayahuasca prepared by a shaman in the Peruvian Amazon a few years back, and it was one of the most incredible trips of my life.

The essence of comedy

The essence of comedy is the misfortune of others.

Check out this video.

Thanks, Ace!

Can't we all just get along?

There's a great celebration going on over at the NRA (HT: PoliPundit). I salute these fine Americans, and I wish I could have been there with them.

However, it bothers me that NRA folk are often less than welcoming to their drug-taking brethren. Have you ever been to a gun show on LSD? It's awesome. But the natives give you dirty looks if you act too weird. And they don't appreciate tie-dye T-shirts much.

Can't we all just get along?

Scalia: sodomite?

Does Scalia do his wife up the pooper? Inquiring minds want to know.

Ace is right on in his analysis of this issue.

The Rude Pundit has a very thoughtful post on the issue.

Pat O'Brien update

A while back I posted on Pat O'Brien's awesome phone calls.

Now we have an update from a blogger who is in rehab with Pat. It's funny stuff!

Gilligan's Island: The Porno

Theme song by Ellis D. Tecnine and James Usrey

The mate he began to masturbate
The captain he tossed off
If not for the mouth of Maryann
The semen would be lost
The semen would be lost

Sandy Berger should be raped in the ass

Sandy Berger ought to be getting his ass raped in a dark prison.

But, NO, apparently stealing and destroying documents from the National Archives is not a big deal... even if the documents are related to the war on terror and Berger was trying to manipulate the historical record to make the Clinton administration look better.

What's worse than the lack of prison time and anal rape is the fact that they are not even taking away his security clearance! It's only suspended for three years! What the fuck is the point of security clearance if you let people keep their security clearance when they are caught red-handed doing exactly what security clearances are supposed to prevent?

Pat O'Brien: true American hero

This is just awesome! Thanks, Ace!

A tribute to Barney the dinosaur

by Ellis D. Tecnine
(to the tune of Yankee Doodle)

Barney is a pederast
The scourge of every nation
His scaly skin
In young children
Makes anal lacerations

Great moments in international politics

The president of Indonesia is named Susilo Bangbang Yada-yada. How cool is that?